Perhaps we all have our little secrets that we have no intentions of telling anyone...have no intentions of letting slip out so that we ourselves are revealed into the light of day where the rest of the world may see who/what were truely are. These secrets can cause us such grief and pain...can cause others to turn completely away from us...can cause our lives to take another turn towards another path in life. Some are open with these secrets...some are not for they know what dismay comes with the truth of their secret lives...instead, they choose to secretly seek out others like themselves so that they are not lonely any longer, so that they perhaps may have a companion to interact with from time to time. *warm smile* But then the rest cannot bear it, the secrets in which they harbor so within themselves, so then they set out to end the burdens that they so heavily carry. Of course this is not good, but it is often unpreventable. 
Suppose that should be enough as far as my rambling goes...After all, I don't suppose I truely make any sense at all....*warm smile* Perhaps I shall someday.

Actually, I am not. I am somewhat of a mangled corpse in which walks the face of this earth searching for a lost love...a lost love in which shall be lost forever.(Hmmm...that really sounded good, didn't it?) Meh,
whatever. Tis' been...a month and a few days since my last journal post...wow...that's somewhat amazing, wouldn't you agree? No need to worry, nothing is "up" with me, as one would put it. *sigh* I am just having a few complications here and there...and to be honest I have actually forgotten about LiveJournal.com for the moment. I'm not sure how long I have come back to stay. All I know is that I am here now at the present time with very few words to express with my fingers. So...good evening...and if I do not get back before the Holidays...Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year.

A lot has happened in the past few months. As I look back on it only one word comes to mind, "WOW"...The current events leave me somewhat speachless actually...for once in my life. What do you know? Lately for the past few months it's been nothing but Pagans, Pagans, Pagans yacking, yacking, yacking in my ear (rather over the net) to try to confuse me and get me off my set path in life. It's like the world is surrounded by Pagans, Wiccans, "VAMPIRES", Werewolves, and Druids...What's next? Frankenstein's Monster? The Mummy? The Invisable Man? Oh no doubt there are those in this world that claim to be shape shifters! Always about 3 or 4 months before Halloween I have this problem...At least for the past two years. *sigh* Hey, I believe that you can believe in whatever you want to believe in...It's not my place to judge you, condem you, nor tell you what to do nor how to believe...let alone how to think. I try to keep my thoughts to myself...I try to keep my beliefs to myself until someone tries to step all over them and make them look like such small futile fragments of nonsense. *sigh* I just lost this friend yesterday because she turned away from God. Hey, normally to me that is her business, not mine. But she goes to a Catholic school and about a month ago she loved God...but now she despises Him something fierce and I cannot figure out why. And she has picked up on a few strange things such as talking about other dimensions and realms and that we all have other souls inside of us and blah, blah, blah...It's enough to drive one to the nut house and into a rubber room! Like I said, normally, it would just be her business and it still is just "her business"...but I am concerned for her and I don't know what to do. I defended God all that I could at the moment because I was so spellbound because she was so turned against God. I didn't know what to say...I was shocked! So I just left her...I signed out of YAHOO messenger and that was the end of it...so far. I'm thinking that I should just block her and forget about it. I should just let her go her own way...I do not want to cause her anymore problems and I sure as hell do not want to inflict "my religon" upon her now that she has chosen a different path in life. I know what it is like to have someone try to shove something down one's throat...it does not feel good at all. I try my hardest to keep my thoughts, religon, anything worth inflicting upon others to myself. I do not want to be responsible for the down-fall of others. Besides, it is not my place to "lead" anyone around...nor to "convert" as they say, anyone to "my side"...I leave them be. The way I see it is if it is in their hearts to love God or to love a certain thing...they will come through sooner or later. They always do. If it is meant to be it will happen...all in good time. But as for my dearest friend, I am worried for her...this "other soul" seems to be taking over her...oh, it is not a bad "other soul"...but I think it just seems to be a "split personality"...But no matter...She is none of my concern anymore...I will keep track of her through the forum in which I reside at with her...but that is all.

Unspoken words with a fearless heart hold together my world whenever it begins to be crumble apart.
He watches over me with eyes so vivid as I start to dream yet he goes throughout my life remaining in the darkness forever unseen.
Each day my life brings on a meaning all brand new as he whispers those three simple words one longs to hear, "I love you."

Don't really know what to say...there's nothing much to really talk about...meh, whatever. The fictionpost.com site is down at the moment due to some update changes...that makes me sad. I love that site and really want to be on it right now. =( Boo-hoo. Eh, whatever. Nothing to lose sleep over. Glad to see that _andrew80_ is doing better. =) I'm bummed about not being able to go do something for Halloween...I'll just be staying home and crap...but perhaps next Halloween I'll do something. *creepy thought* Perhaps I don't want to even think about it. \/^^\/ *sigh* All isn't well in my little corner of the specimen. It sucks ass more than anyone could ever dream of. But perhaps I won't start complaining now.

...Yes, I am still a live...unfortunately...I am still kicking...Meh, whatever. I feel like I have been dead for years but apparently (according to doctors) I still have a pulse rate, so, my dear confused children, I am still alive...but mind you, I am not doing well. Eh, whatever. No matter...nothing else matters much anymore. Perhaps not to me anyway. Depresson has set in and it seems to be taking up homestead permanatly. My psych. wanted me to go to a depresson group but...as I decided that he is a bigger fruit-loop than I...I have come to the conclusion that I need not go. Eh, who needs to go to some fucked up depresson group where you just sit around in a frigging circle and talk about your troubles in which NO ONE wants to hear about? Half of the people in the room are tuneing (sp) you out anyway! So why waste your glorious breath on complete strangers when you can just stay home and confuse as well as corrupt your dear old blessed mother? Point taken, I suspect. Meh, whatever. I hope _andrew80_ is doing alright. He seems to be down a bit. Wonder what happend in his little world that made him so down in the dumbs? Whatever happened, I pray that he finds happiness soon enough...He deserves to be happy, as does everyone. Well...suppose since I really have nothing else better to put in this little box of a thing...I should be well on my way to more disgusting torment from others. So, I'll see you all later.

The black rose...like it I am crushed.
The black rose...like so I lie upon the ground untouched.
I am much like the black rose in which is torn from its birth place, the bush, and is ripped to shreds by the hands of others, perhaps his hands.
This black rose in which I can relate to so much in fact I can feel its pain, its sorrow, its heart each time it breaks everytime a being takes it in their montrous hands and scatters its petals upon the land so that their steps they may retrace.
I am torn from the world and I lie upon the shivering ground of society feverish from the heartache he caused me.
Like the black rose that lies beside of me shredded I know I will never again be happy.

Tearing my world apart, he took out his knife and carved his initials upon my broken heart.
Crumbling slowly, I fall to the ground before his feet for I have met my match and this is my dastardly defeat.
Breaking into a million pieces, my soul has become lost once more for it has no need for redemption and now lies crying on the cold bathroom floor.
He carved his initials into my heart...
He sought out vengeance in my life in which is so dark.
Ripping me apart, I can see the joyful tears in his eyes just as I begin to break beneath this mask of hollow lies.
There is no need for this bewitching disguise...for I know where his loyalty lies...
It lies with she, the one who made him bend down on his knees.
It lies with she, a crowned sorceress of the darkness where I once ran free.

Like I really have anything to say worth listening to? Nope, I don't. Guess you're just out of luck. Poor you...LOL. =P Oh god, I'm so fucking bored...Anyways....so like this dude....I'll call him "the pain in the ass ex" has been pestering the fuck out of some of my friends. Yeah, he's been like e-mailing them and leaving dumb-ass e-mails...fucker. Hope he falls in a damn hole that is filled with spikes and well, you know the out come of that one...HEHE....Oh, I'm so evil. And you know what? I love every goddamn minute of it too. So there! Yeah, it's hell living with me. So what? Yeah, it's not easy dating me...so? Maybe I'm what they call "a hard pill to swallow"... So? Eh, whatever, right? Least I don't play with explosives in my spair time... I make them.. Just picking! =P Well...anyways...that about raps it all up...I'm bored, don't have the time to write in this godforsaken thing, and you probably don't have time to read it. So later. =P

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#DDDDDD" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>Your 2005 Song Is</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#EEEEEE"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whathitsongof2005areyouquiz/broken-dreams.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
<a href="http://click.linksynergy.com/fs-bin/click?id=CkIfgYlVpZA&offerid=99176.467947965&type=10&subid=">Boulevard of Broken Dreams</a> by Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating"

In 2005, you bummed everyone out. Like you care.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whathitsongof2005areyouquiz/">What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?</a></div>

Okay, so I was like talking to my friend JP. on MSN today and he was telling me that he was into ghosts and spirits and shit like that, right? Well I was like cool and whatever...Well he lives over in the Netherlands...He's Frisian. This is a picture that he took of one of the cemeteries over there and if you look really closely you can see something spooky.... just look...

And here is what you should be seeing when you look close into the picture. Yeah, freaky...ooooo! Yeah, well, whatever. I think it's pretty cool, he thinks it's cool...whatever floats your boat, right? To each his own...whatever. Like we agreed on, it could be anything...flowers,..anything...but he would like to think it's something of the paranormal...
So join us next time right here on LiveJournal.com for another splinded adventurous look into the portals of the paranormal...*twilight theme song* Happy Haunting....MUUUAHHHHAAAA! *starts coughing* Okay, whatever...Later.

Hmmm....let's see, how should I say this without sounding upset? Oh, I know: I HATE PEOPLE, GODDAMN IT! DAMN FUCKING BASTARD! I HATE HIS SORRY ASS AND I HOPE HE FUCKING FALLS IN A GODDAMN WHOLE AND BREAKS ALL OF HIS FUCKING LEGS AND THE ONLY WAY HE CAN SURVIVE IS BY EATING HIMSELF! DAMN BASTARD! Okay...now, I am more calm...Now, let me explain for my aggressive behavior...
Okay, so like today I connected to the internet and signed into MSN messenger and no one was there that I really wanted to fucking talk to...the ones that I usually talk to were like not there...the only one that was there was that fucked up bastard that I was talking about up there ^ in the big ass print...so anyway, I remembered that I was supposed to ask Avi where he Dj'ed at and what name he went by...and today is usually the day that I am able to talk to him because the man is so fucking damn busy that he doesn' t even have time for himself. So anyway, I signed onto AOL messenger and he was on...So, I started talking to him and he was telling me his probs and the next thing I know, I'm getting this fucking messege from that damn bastard on MSN telling me that he was going to log off now and go hang out with some goth friends...they were going to go to the movies and blah blah blah! Like who gives a fuck? I said, okay...whatever...and I told him I didn't care because I was talking to Avi. Then he told me to tell Avi to add him. Well of course I told him that Avi was only on AOL not MSN. Then the damn bitch-ass-fucking-bastard comes out with calling Avi a freakazoid and of course that really made my day! That's all I needed to fucking hear! I fucking jumped on his ass like there was no fucking tomorrow!..bastard. And he kept on saying "whatever" and finally I just told him to fuck off because I was pissed off. Then he signed out and I left him a little messege saying that I was so fucking through with him...Avi was like my brother..no Avi IS my brother...and I have left guys for him in the past and that is what I am doing now! No one talks about Avi and gets away with it! And I really bitched him out! Then I deleted him and blocked his ass. I hate him...He's a son-of-a-bitch and yes...I would so say this to his face...I am saying nothing now that I so would not tell him right to his goddamn sorry ass face. I'm not afraid of a Pagan...I'm still friends with his other Pagan friend though. I have nothing against Pagans...it's just that this particualar one is a fucking crackpot ass wipe! I hate his damn guts and his shit is for the damn birds! So fuck him and his nonsense! Later...because I'm fucking pissed. \/^^\/

_andrew80_ dude you do not have to worry about me now...well, at least not until you see a new flash thingy about my death on the daily news show...hehe...
Anyway...I have totally quit the Pagan dude! You know, the one that you told me to carry mace with me in case he like was to come up behind me and blah? Yeah, well..anyway, um, I blocked him from my MSN messenger and so like the dude's gone...well, he still has my home phone number and no doubt the fucker could locate where I live because he only lives about 3 hours away from me...But meh, if the pyscho comes after me then...you can have all my cd's...okay? Good! Moving swiftly along...
Um...but like one good thing did come from all of this torment and agony...I did meet a cool-ass dude named...okay not going to give out his name. Not going to talk about him. But um, he's cool. He's Pag. but um, that's all good. Anyway, um, _andrew80_ I'll see you on AOL sometime, monkey-man...But until next time...keep eating those fucking rotten bananas...and don't drop the pealings so that I may fall and break my goddamn neck...Later. =)

Okay...I'm back...like anyone noticed that I was gone? Didn't think so. Moving on...*sigh* I've been so damn bored...I really have nothing interesting to say, as usual. I mean, I don't have cute kitty pictures or nice ass poems or cool ass photos from a fair that I went to to post here. All I have is my insane-ass talking about shit that really doesn't fucking matter! Yeah, so what, I have issues? SUE ME! Anyway...I wonder what Foamy is up to? Anyone watch Foamy The Squirell on illwillpress.com? The dude rocks! He's so fucking cool. He curses like a fucking seahorse. Not that they really curse...but hey, it sounded good. Foamy..FOAMY! Okay...enough with the ignorance...which is almost impossible. You know, I'm in a relationship with this Neo-Pagan and I really don't look for it to last much longer...he's a nut case...for many reasons. Hey, I believe that we all have different beliefs..his belief is NOT my problem...it's his nuttyness...He's taking things WAY TOO FAR! I'm not spilling my guts out over this...there's no need to. For one thing, it's not safe. For another thing, I may be stupid, but I'm not that stupid. So, catch ya later...

***WITHOUT A SINGLE TRACE***
Broken memories are torn in the pages of your little diary that you keep.
I hear blissful singing in the depths of the darkness where I once ran free.
Rapid silence seals my heart that my mind can’t speak as the little holes in your cloths represent the gaps in my life in which is so lonely.
Vacant glory stands before me as I gaze steadily upon my own reflection.
Of your unconditional love from above, I have no recollection.
And as those mournful tears run slowly down my porcelain face, I walk into the darkness once more gone without a single trace.

***PORCELAIN***
Porcelain…a picture painted so perfectly.
Porcelain…my heart beats rapidly.
Porcelain…at the thought I once was happy.
Porcelain…could it be he, the shadow-lingering man?
Porcelain…a name in which I do not care to say again.

It's kind of funny of some of the things other people will say that will get you to thinking about your recent past. And really when you get to studying about it, you were thinking about your recent past to begin with because it has never really left you in the first place. Sure, it's all past but you won't let it go because you just can't find it in your heart to let it go for some strange reason. I thought that I convinced myself that I was "taking back my life", I thought that I had finally decided "to hell with him, I have my own little private hell to go through". Yeah, it's my own little private hell, alright. And as far as taking back my life, I got sick and tired of trying to give myself this pep talk ever single morning that I arose from my slumber of nightmares from the aching past. True, I'm a girl and girls tend to hold onto things for much longer than men do. I won't deny that one bit because I am expierencing that now. I say that I hate my ex and that if he were to try to come back into my life I would shove him right back out again. Which of course, I would. I have no room in my life for such nonsense as that in which he habors inside of himself. I just thought that it was a bit too harsh that he joined the Marines. I thought that it was too cruel of him to have hid all those things from me when we were dating and the only way that I could ever find them out was by accident when I called his house and his little brother spilled the beans last month. And why did I call his house after such a long period of time? I don't know. Something just told me to do so. So I did. And I got a knife stuck in my heart a thousand times for doing so. But now after about three weeks has past I seem to finally be getting things a little bit settled in my mind. I do understand that if I hadn't have broken it off that we would have not stayed together much longer due to his lack of dating skills. I understand that he could never love me. I understand that we were never meant to be. And I understand that long distance relationships and internet dating does not for a fact work! Of course he made a couple of trips in to see me. But it still didn't work. Like it or not, I have to let this bastard's memory die in order to give myself any kind of piece of mind at all. Yeah...I have Avi. He's everything to me. I need him more than he'll ever come to realize in his whole life time. I envy his family so much for they have him and I do not. I do wish he were my brother and in some ways he is, just not legally. He said he would be honored to have me for a sister. I told him that was great if he meant it and he said he did. I just hope he meant it. I've known him for 3 long years....and we met on a goth dating site. Kind of strange, huh? He lives in Staten Island, New York and is a DJ and also works at his family business. He's so busy. Plus he goes to college. Studing photography, if I am not mistaken. It's a wonder if he can find to for himself and time for his girl friend! But Avi always manages something and when I talk to him on AOL he's always exhausted. I love him. He's like my brother and I am glad that our paths have crossed in this tangled web of a world because I would most certainly be lost without him.

Okay, so like this morning I was woken up at say eight o'clock to get dressed and shit so that we could go shopping. Alright, I've been out all damn day. I just got home like two freaking hours ago. And no, the time that you see on my journal entries is not correct. It is now five minutes to six. But anyway, so my parents took me to Hot Topic in the Cross Roads Mall first. Alright I got there before any of the damn stores opened! So I had to freaking wait until Hot Topic opened which took about ten minutes which wasn't really too long. I don't really want to bore you with what and all I got there but I'm going to anyway, so fucking deal with it! I bought the following buttons: "evil is just easier", "i'm not anisocial, I just hate you", "I suffer from selective ignorance...and today I select you", "you complete(ly annoy) me", "I'm busy, you're stupid, have a nice day" and the following patches: The Used, My Chemical Romance, AFI, Hawthorne Heights
And at Claire's I bought a Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skellington dog tag necklace. So I guess I'm doing pretty well. I put the buttons on my jean jacket and Mom is going to sew the patches on the back of it. I think it will look pretty nifty when we get done with it. Hmmm...whatever, right? I also have a couple of skull patches that I bought from Hot Topic that last time I went there. One's red and the other's white. And I seriously do realize that this entry is so boring and is going nowhere so I'll just make my messege short and bitter...
AFI WON THE MOONMAN AWARD AT THE VMA'S FOR BEST ROCK VIDEO! WAHOOO! Oh yeah, and um, always drink and drive. Later.

Okay, so I was looking through the horoscopes today on YAHOO! and didn't really like what the fuck the regular astrology shit had to offer so I decided to click on the Chinese Astrology tab and check that shit out. Well, I have a fashion of wanting to know what is going on. Why? Because I am a nosey ass bitch, that's why...especially when it comes to me and my business. Anyway, today's horoscope sucked so I clicked on tomorrow's and it was somewhat interesting.

Beware of weird ideas. Don't embark on risky financial operations. Don't count too much on banks, as they might stop a plan that demands too big a loan. Heartwise, a certain person will attract you, but you'll hesitate to approach him or her for fear of a failure; take courage and forge ahead! You'll be in an excellent physical shape. Channel your activities and efforts. You'll thus achieve more while experiencing less fatigue.

Okay, the bank shit and financial blahness doesn't appeal to me. But what did was the part about meeting someone that will attract me heartwise. I have been having this idea that has been popping into my head to stop in at Hardee's and see if that was a man or woman that I saw through the window that day. I don't know, something tells me "guy" but then again, it could have been a woman. And don't even ask why I really want to even know! But for grins I will tell you anyway...because I was attracted to it. Yes, I was attracted to a person that I couldn't even tell if it was a man or a woman. For the record, I am straight. I am so straight that I make a fucking line look crooked. You dig? Good. So anyway, I suppose the reason that I was attracted was because it did really look like a man from where I was sitting, which was in my car. But, meh, I guess I'll find out either tomorrow or someday soon, huh? Well now that you are up to date on the thing that was most on my eerie mind, I think that I will sign off and give you all a rest from my weirdness. Later.